Labyrinth
by AladdinSane73
Summary: A very random parody.


** Alright, then...This is the first fan fiction thing I've ever written, so it's probably not that good...Oh, well.**

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Sarah, the main character, was at the park, reciting lines from a book.

...Sarah, it's time for you to say the lines!

"'Give me the child'," she said "...Hey, look, a great horned owl!"

Sarah, that's a barn owl.

"Oh...'through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way to the castle beyond the goblin city, to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great...' What was the next line?...'You have no power over me.'"

She...just stood there motionless? Uh, Sarah, it's 7:00. Shouldn't you be running home?

Anyway, Sarah started running home. Merlin, her dog, obviously followed her. The owl just watched them. And then David Bowie's "Underground" started playing, but only for a few minutes.

"It's not fair! Whenever I hear a David Bowie song at random times, it always stops at random times, too!" Sarah said when she was near her house.

Her stepmother was standing near the door...I said "Her stepmother was standing near the door"!...Where is she!? Oh, here she comes.

"Sarah," she said, "you're an hour late."

"I said I was sorry!"

Clearly, we have skipped ahead a few seconds.

"Please let me finish. You're father and I go out very rarely-"

"You go out every single weekend!"

"-And I ask you to babysit only if it won't interfere with your plans."

"You don't know what my plans are. You don't even ask me anymore!"

"Well, I blah blah blah blah..." At this point, Sarah stopped listening.

"Sarah, you're home." Sarah's father said as he came into the room. He glanced at Sarah's stepmother. "Uh...Why is she talking like that?"

"...Yada yada yada..." Her stepmother went on.

Her father decided to ignore the random things the stepmother was saying. "We were worried about you." he told Sarah.

Sarah went upstairs, and her father and stepmother left.

Ok, Sarah is now in her room. Hey, didn't you have a teddy bear named Lancelot?

"Lancelot is gone!? Someone has been in my room again! I hate that. I hate it!"

Hmm...apparently, going to the store and just buying a teddy bear instead of taking Lancelot was too difficult. We will now skip ahead another few seconds.

"Someone save me." Sarah said while holding Lancelot, "Someone take me away from this awful place!"

Well, we know at this point Toby was crying.

"Shut up, Toby!" Sarah said.

Unfortunately, he didn't stop. Finally, Sarah said:

"I wish the gremlins would come and take you away...right now."

The crying suddenly stopped, but she had already gone into her room. Hey, Sarah, shouldn't you be wondering why Toby suddenly stopped crying? Aren't you supposed to be worried? Or something?

Sarah went back into the room and...

"Oh, no! Toby has been kidnapped by Ziggy Stardust!"

No, Sarah, that's not Ziggy Stardust. That's-

"You mean Toby has been kidnapped by Tim Burton!?"

No! That's-

"Edward from Edward Scissorhands!"

Sarah, that's Jareth, the Goblin King...Wait! What on Earth are you doing!? Sarah! Put down the battle axe!

Instead of saying actual words, Sarah made a growl/roar sound.

Uh..Bad Sarah! Drop the axe!...Good Sarah! Good...er...human! Here, have a dog treat!

We will now skip ahead because I couldn't think of anything even slightly funny to write...

"You have thirteen hours in which to solve the labyrinth-"

"Thirteen? Why only thirteen hours!?"

Jareth disappeared because he was starting to get annoyed.

Soon, Sarah met Hoggle, who was killing fairies. We will skip ahead (I couldn't think of anything funny again...)

"Thanks for nothing, Hogwart."

"It's Hoggle! And don't say I didn't warn you!"

He left, and the door closed. A little known fact is that when he was out of sight, he said: "Since when was she a fan of Harry Potter?"

Skipping ahead...I skip ahead a lot, don't I?

Meanwhile, in his castle, Jareth and the goblins were singing "Magic Dance".

"What kind of magic spell to use?" They sang.

"Slime and snails." Sang a goblin.

"Or puppy dog tails." Sang another goblin, even though on the soundtrack Jareth is the one who sings the line.

"Thunder or lightning." Sang another goblin...how many goblins are in the labyrinth, anyway?

"Dance magic dance..." Jareth sang. He was dancing around the room...that is, until he tripped over one of the goblins.

We all know that at this point Sarah meets the four guards and falls through a trapdoor. So Sarah was in the shaft of hands...hey, where are they? Well, there are a few hands left...

"The other hands are on vacation." They explained as Sarah continued to fall.

Sarah ended up in an oubliette. Then, Hoggle appeared.

"If you help me solve the labyrinth," Sarah said, holding up a bracelet, "I'll give you this."

"Tell you what," Hoggle said, "you give me the plastic thing, and I'll take you back to the beginning of the labyrinth."

"You were gonna do that anyway!" Sarah whined.

"You whine too often..."

"If you don't take me to the castle, take me as far as I can."

"Fine..."

They ended up in the place with the False Alarms.

Soon they met...Oh no, it's a beggar! Oh, wait...it's only Jareth, disguised as a beggar.

"Hello, Hedgehog." Jareth said

"It's Hogwart." Sarah said.

"Hogwart? Where have I heard that before?...Isn't that the name of some wizard school?" Jareth asked.

"It's Hoggle!" Hoggle said.

"Hoggle," Jareth said, "can it be that you're helping this girl?"

"Helping? In what sense?"

"In the sense that you're leading her towards the castle."

"No. I was just taking the moron back to the beginning of the labyrinth."

"What's with that bracelet 'round your wrist?" Jareth asked.

"...Oh, this plastic thing? Uh...Where did this come from?"

"If I thought for one second that you were betraying me I'd be forced to suspend you headfirst in the Bog of Eternal Stench. And you, Sarah...how are you enjoying my labyrinth?...Sarah?"

"Huh? Oh...the labyrinth...It's a piece of cake."

"Really? Then how about upping the stakes, hmm?"

"That's not fair!"

"You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is. So the labyrinth's a piece of cake, is it? Well, let's see how you deal with this little slice."

He threw a crystal down the corridor and disappeared. Then, goblins with vacuum cleaners appeared and started running toward them!

"Oh, no!" Hoggle said, "The Cleaners! Run!"

Luckily, they managed to escape. We'll skip ahead...again.

Soon they were walking through a hedge maze. Suddenly they heard a roar. Hoggle panicked and ran away.

Sarah followed the sound and saw some goblins hitting a giant furry creature with abnormally large pencils.

"If only I had something to throw." She said. Sarah, remember the battle axe? I've got it with me!

Sarah chased the goblins with the axe for awhile. After dropping the axe and receiving another dog treat, she freed Ludo, obviously the giant furry creature.

We know at some point Ludo disappears...So, of course, Sarah was looking for him...

Meanwhile, Hoggle ran into Jareth.

"I'm off to take the moron back to the beginning of the labyrinth, just like we planned." Hoggle said. He started to walk away.

"Wait," Jareth said, "I've got a much better plan. Give her this."

"A banana?"

"There weren't any peaches."

Meanwhile, Sarah was in the forest, wondering where Ludo was. Then, the Fireys appeared.

Now, one Firey is alright. Fireys are okay, but slightly worse. Fireys that act like mimes, however...Well, that's not cricket! Who on Earth likes mimes!? Well, besides the author? Of course, the author only likes mimes when they look almost nothing like clowns. Hmm...a lot of people including the author are terrified of clowns...and according to David Bowie clowns kill mimes...it's a fact: clowns are 100% evil!

Alright, back to the story.

She ended up at a wall. She tried to climb it. Sarah, there's a rope right there.

Hoggle was at the top of the wall. She kissed him, and they fell through a trapdoor.

We'll skip ahead, once again...

Sarah, Hoggle, Ludo, and Sir Didymus were in a forest when they started to get hungry. Hoggle gave Sarah the banana.

"This tastes strange..." Sarah said.

Hoggle ran away, and Sarah ended up at a masquerade ball.

She wandered around the ballroom. Eventually Jareth appeared, and they started dancing. Jareth was singing "As the World falls Down".

We'll skip ahead a few scenes.

They were in the goblin city. Of course, the goblins attacked. They ran into a house.

Soon, they decided to just leg it. The goblins, seeing Sarah's battle axe, refused to go near them.

Then they were at the castle. Sarah decided to face Jareth alone. What? No, Sarah, you can't take that axe with you. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would just hate you if you even tried to kill Jareth (including me. Jareth is awesome.) She ended up in this stair room with...well, lots of stairs. Jareth sang "Within You".

We'll skip ahead.

Sarah was just standing there until Jareth appeared.

"Give me the child," Sarah said, "through dangers untold, and-"

"Stop! Wait..." Jareth said, "Look what I'm offering you."

"A rock?"

"No. This is a crystal."

"...A shiny rock?"

Suddenly, they heard Toby crying from somewhere.

"Shut up, Toby!" They both shouted.

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave." Jareth said. So, do as _he_ says, and _he_ will be your slave...

"That reminds of the David Bowie song 'I Would be Your Slave'..."

I do not want to skip ahead, but I think I should. Once again, I can't think of anything good to write.

Sarah went to her room and saw Hoggle, Ludo, Sir Didymus, and everyone else. So, they

had a party. Jareth, as an owl, watched the party for a few seconds. Then he flew away. Well, that's the end of the story...um...wait, Jareth! Take me with you!

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** So, what did you think of it? I would appreciate it if you wrote a review. Perhaps you can even suggest ways I could improve this story? But if you don't, that's okay.**


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